I thought I was not cut out for tech. #WomenWhoTech

I was 10 when I was first introduced to something called programming. It was in grade 5 when this subject Computer Science had something called QBasic that my 10-year-old brain was not able to get. Next 6 months, I tried making sense, tried learning those cryptic words but everything was a bouncer. Everyone in my class was better than me. During lab periods, they knew not completely but somewhat what they were doing, and there I was sitting there completely clueless. Somehow I passed my theory exams but deep down I knew that I don't know a thing about it.

I was in top students when it came to other subjects but this programming thing was giving me nightmares. My confidence started abandoning me, I started dreading computer science & I thought that maybe I was just made for this word technology that my 10-year-old brain thought is everything related to programming. My next brush-up with programming was just a year after this when I had HTML as a chapter. Past experience was enough to give me goosebumps but somehow crying, dreading, I made it and passed my practical in which I had to create a travel webpage. The UI was one of the worst things that you will ever see but still that helped me in not flunking the subject. The next 4 years were like spring to me, I was happy as I didn't have to face programming again, my weakest point.

But the fall was knocking at my door when in 10th grade, we had to choose subjects that we want to study in 11th grade. I always wanted to be an engineer so I had to take PCM(Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics) as I had to sit for the national entrance exam and these subjects are compulsory but I was confused with the optional one, the only options I had were Economics and Computer Science. Computer Science, yes, computer science, and I knew that this time it's gonna be 70% PROGRAMMING and 30% others, I HAD TO SEE THOSE CRYPTIC WORDS THAT MADE NO SENSE TO ME AGAIN.

My best friend opted for economics and asked me to also opt for Economics & my family asked me to go for Computer Science. In my dilemma, and the fear I had for programming, I went against what my family suggested & opted for Economics. 15 days after the semester started and I knew that I dread Economics more than I dread Computer Science and also someone who was like oxygen to me at that time joined the school after 15 days and opted Computer Science. A sudden urge came in me to change my optional, my family supported me in this but everyone in school was against it, even my friends and teachers. But nothing could have stopped me and I changed my subject from Economics to Computer Science. 2 days after I changed my subject & I threw blood from my mouth(not metaphorically, I really threw it) and was hospitalized for 3 days. I had to be away from school for 2 weeks. When I started going back to school, I got the news that we have our first test in the next 2 weeks. Here I was with a fear of programming in my heart, still recovering from my illness with those meds making me drowsy all day, ready to prepare for the test.

I flunked my Computer Science test badly. Language was C++, topics were variables, OOPS concepts, taking user input and printing it, for loops. I funked so badly that no one was beneath me & my scores were so bad that my friends were not able to control their laughter. When my teacher gave me my score, she said that only you know what you have really done. All year, I was one of the top scorers in other subjects but only god knows what was with C++. The fear of programming seated deeper inside me, it got hold of me. But somehow I scored way above my usual scores in my final exam, didn't flunk, and hence was promoted to 12th grade. The same was the case in 12th, I always flunked my Computer Science paper, the kids who flunked other subjects used to score better than me in Computer Science & my friends were not able to control their laughter whenever my test results used to come, it was like a play to them, they were more excited to know my score than knowing their own. My teacher was kinda afraid for me that will I do in final exams. But just like every time I scored way above my usual score and passed my final exam.

I took a year's drop and then started college. My stream was Electronics and Communication. People of my age want only CS or IT fields as they offer high packages after graduation but I knew my past with programming and hence took ECE, the only problem was that I didn't like my college even a bit. I was planning to give the entrance test again but Covid threw water on the sandcastle I was building. & after 14 months of college, I realized that I have to stay here only.

By chance I came across Coding School, they were teaching Quantum Computing, I found it fascinating so I joined that course, in it, they taught Python, my fear of coding somewhat lessened after I practiced some loops in it & I realized that it really is in my mind. To get hold of that fear I took 2 more courses CS50S & CS50T(they both are very basic courses & can really help you if you have this fear for Computer Science or programming in your mind), attended various workshops, tried to make sense of things & stick with programming even when I can't to do it anymore. & finally, in January I got the courage to take CS50. It is half completed, and the assignments it has are somewhat tough for me but the only thing I do to not give up is to keep going even when I feel like I can't go on anymore. &now I can say that my fear of programming has almost vanished. I am still not a great coder, nor have I learned all the concepts, but now I know one thing for sure that programming is nothing but a black box that you have to make sense of in your own way.

You have some problem, you want to solve it, you pass that problem through that black box & voila you get your answer or what we say in the coder's language, output.

I know from the progress that I made in the last year that by the end of this year, I will be the developer that those hiring rockstars are looking for. Sayonara!!!

Conquer your fears, if you feel like you can't, then make it possible.